Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
