So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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