i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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