i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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