remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
