R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
