I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
