god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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