A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
