Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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