I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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