My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
