Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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