just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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