I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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