Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
