So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
