Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
