You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
