Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
