Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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