if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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