This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
