The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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