walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
