I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
