checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
