I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
