dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
