textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
