Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
