Who wears a wallet chain?!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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