apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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