Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
