I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
