Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
