Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
