Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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