so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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