I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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