I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
