if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
