just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
