Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
