When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
