i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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