I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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