WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
