is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
