I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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