My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
