Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
