i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
