Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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