I want to walk on stilts...naked
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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