Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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