I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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