I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
