I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
